Finding Me…

I was reading an article about the impact of plastic surgery on patient’s families.  It is one of those things you consider, but I suppose at the time the desperation for results overtake anything else.  I knew my body change would have an effect on my children, particularly my daughter.  I tried to protect her from this as much as I could, but mummy being covered in bandages from head to toe is a bit difficult to hide.  At this point I predict a teenage girl asking for implants because “mummy has them, so why can’t I”.  I am not sure how I will deal with that, luckily I have quite a few years to come up with an answer.

But, the last thing I want is for her to feel like there is anything wrong with her body. She is only five and is already way too aware of body issues.  The reality of this hit me the other day when in the course of a conversation she mentioned someone we knew needed a doctor.  I questioned what she was talking about.  She said Mrs X needed to see mummies doctor because her skin was hanging under her arms.  I had an arm reduction, so this has normalised the procedure in her eyes.  Thank goodness she brought it to me before telling some poor woman she needed her bingo wings removed.  But, it got me thinking about how I can rationalise the clearly mixed messages I must be sending.  I try as much as I can to build her self-esteem and talk about being beautiful as she is.  But, I worry I have set a bad example.  What I have said about my surgery was that my skin made me poorly and it hurt.  But, everyone is beautiful in their own way.  Am I a hypocrite? Can I send the right messages or is my credibility in this area gone?  It is so hard; the last thing I want is for her to grow up as I did feeling there was something wrong with me.  I want high self-esteem and for her to feel invincible.

I allowed my weight and self-esteem issues keep me from doing so much.  In fact now I feel like I am having an epic mid-life crisis.  Loving my new confidence, but, hating the fact that at 44, something’s are just not possible to re-live.  I can’t get back the dances, proms, and parties I missed out on.  I am trying to find a way to recreate the youth I feel I was cheated out of.  Can I do this?  Maybe?

No Free Ride…

Weight is difficult thing. We exercise, we starve, detox, stuff ourselves with cabbage and ketones, and the big one one! We surgically alter our anatomy to restrict the food we can eat. The one thing we don’t do is fix our brains. I am now two and a half years post op a Gastric Plication. A relatively new procedure that is done through keyhole surgery. The surgeon folds the stomach into itself and sutures it to give you an anatomically smaller stomach.

It is an amazing procedure that allowed me to lose 12 stone in around 18 months. But, two years on I still struggle with my brain. My brain that wants to binge, my brain that can’t cope with stress and wants to eat, in the same way a junky needs a fix. I struggle, it’s painful and dark and so lonely. Eating disorders are a funny thing. As a thin person everyone is anxious to offer help. If you are big, the offer of help involves more criticism of the lifestyle you are perceived to be living rather than actual psychological help.

The NHS recently released some stats about the amount of people eligible for weight loss surgery. It is nothing short of astounding. The costs on the surface, astromical.  However, In the long run the investment would save money in the treatment of obesity related conditions over a life time. However, re-routing ones anatomy is not going to change their brain. You can’t roll out a program to band every overweight person in the country without working on their head first. It just won’t work. No magic wands, no fairy dust. Just hard work and exercise to maximize the tool. That’s right TOOL. Nobody can do this for you, no matter how much surgery you have.

But, I digress what this really is about is the mind scramble that happens with weight loss. It creeps up on you sometimes. I thought I had it all together and under control. But, actually was fooling myself. Support post weight loss is so important. Old habits are hard to break and as smug as living within “thin privilege” is, it is a harsh mistress and easily lost. I think to a certain degree, having a back ground in psychology I have managed to identify my failings and as painful as they are am working on trying to keep myself on the wagon. But, it is a dark pain and many many tears later and a couple of big macs later I don’t feel any more normal than I did at 350 pounds. I suppose the concept of normal is one of those things that I am doomed to have come and go. I love the feeling of looking and being treated as a “normal”. Inside there is nothing normal about my relationship with food. In fact for the most part I sit on the cusp of an eating disorder on a daily basis. I, for all intents and purpose am a junkie.

• Food
• Laxatives
• Starvation
• Self Hatred

 

I struggle with all of these issues at one time or another. The lure of transfer addiction is strong. A bit like the old cartoon pie aromas drawing the obligitory cartoon character toward the pie cooling on the windowsill. This is why the brain work is so very important. Slip ups are not the end of the world. But, when they happen, they make me feel like a failure. Why is that? Why should I feel the need to devalue all my success because of a bad meal. But, I suppose this is the power of food. Don’t think that I am ungrateful for the body I now have. I certainly am not. I just wish the lure of this demon wasn’t so strong.

Mix and Match

I have desperately trying to get my hands on the new “Make Up Gallery” Line from Poundland.  Finally, after weeks of un-patiently waiting my local shop finally started stocking it.  No freebies, so I obviously really wanted to try it.  So, from the bits that were left after the apparent rush to try the products I managed to get a Black Nail Varnish, Pout lipstick, black eye liner and Ivory foundation.

The nail varnish I bought in black because I do love a bit of goth.  But, also black is tricky and often if the varnish line is not particularly good the black will be the give-away.  This one was actually really good.  Quick drying and two light coats to get a nice deep black.

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The eye liner was nice for a pencil.  It goes on smoothly and is creamy enough to smudge if that’s the look you want.  The foundation is thick, but feels light.  Probably not enough coverage for me as a stand alone product.  But, with my tried and true concealer it was brilliant.  Certainly for the price you can’t fault it.  The lipstick is lovely, probably coupled with a good lip liner it would be perfect.  I am addicted to my MAC Natural lip liner for pretty much every colour.  In the photos I have Natural lip liner with Pout lipstick.  Hmmm, dramatic pause to look at what a ridiculous picture I have taken.

Admittedly, because I was relying on the stock available I could not do a full face with all of the products.  However, I think make-up, much like fashion you can mix and match your lines.  A good designer piece can completely set off your outfit no matter where it comes from.  With make-up you can have your mix of MAC or whatever your chosen brand is with just about anything at it can make it “pop”.  I think the “Make Up Gallery” is a beautiful line and you could easily fill your make up bag for a tenner with some really good products.  Certainly for me the eye liner and nail varnish will be staying in my bag for awhile!

I think there are so many ways to set off your look.  I am particularly hooked on semi-perm lashes. They give the illusion of always having your “face” on.   This week I will be trading in the black lashes for coloured ones that are all the rage in America.  Stay tuned for the review at the end of the week.

What you didn’t know…

A colleague who has been trying to lose weight was talking about her weight loss goals.  She said “My goal is to just be normal”.  It made me wonder why as a society so many people go out of their way to make their fellow humans feel “abnormal”.  I recall several years ago prior to my weight loss.  I was walking down the street I live on and the traffic was moving at a snail’s pace.  A car with a  couple of young men in it drove alongside me and moo’d at me for the excruciating 10 minutes it takes for me to get home.  What they knew about me was that I was a very big girl.  What they didn’t know about me is that I was walking home after a night shift on the paediatric intensive care ward.  What they didn’t know was that I was a highly trained paediatric nurse with a very responsible and active job.  They didn’t know that I had been on a diet in one form or another for 20 plus years.  They didn’t know how much these acts of bullying had become a part of my routine.  So, much so that I expected it and was no longer taken aback by cruelty.  But, I suppose the perpetrators of “fat shaming” and general bullying don’t care about the scars they leave.  Those that spend so much time criticizing what they do know about someone, such as appearance; forget about what they don’t know about you.  Sometimes the things that make us special also make us “abnormal” in the eyes of those who are so superficial that they are unable to see the ways in which every single one of us positively contributes to the universe.

With this being anti-bullying week, I was struck at how downright vile people were being toward Gemma Collins.  I have never watched an episode of TOWIE.  But, what I know of her is she is lots of things other than a cast member of that show.  She is an entrepreneur who has used an opportunity she has been given to make her life better.  She is also a fellow human being who doesn’t deserve to be verbally assaulted because of her weight.  You don’t have to like everyone, but is it necessary to publicly humiliate someone just for the sake of it?  I work with children and do a lot of work around body image and self-esteem.  I often think about the bullying I suffered as a child.  It was awful, but I knew I had a safe place at home.  No matter what happened outside I could find refuge when I got home.  With the power of the internet there isn’t even a “safe” place anymore.  Social media gives even the smallest person a great deal of power.   I am not in the habit of quoting “Uncle Ben” but, it is true “With great power comes, great responsibility”.  We need to use it wisely.

Sell Out

Well, I had something totally different in mind today.  But, something on my Facebook news feed really got me thinking.  A woman called Haley Morris-Cafiero has done a photo series of herself walking around just “being” really.  The people around her and their reactions to her “just being” have been captured on film unbeknownst to them. I am not sure why people have nothing better to do than mock the fat girl.  But, as a former “fat girl” I remember all too well the embarrassment burning in my cheeks.  Because as much as people think they are being covert, they aren’t.  What they are actually doing is systematically destroying the remaining fragile self-esteem of someone whose only crime is existing.  I think this project that Haley Morris-Cafiero has done is an important piece of work that needs to be seen.  But, at the same time it makes me wonder if I have been a sell-out.  I talk a lot about the “thin privilege “and how my life has changed as a result of being embraced into the club of normals.  Not that anything about me is remotely normal.  But, I would be lying to say I don’t enjoy how I am treated now.  I can recall 100’s if not 1000’s of incidences of subtle bullying throughout my life as “the fat girl” when people thought they were being cruel to be kind.  I have been through the many “you would be so pretty if…” talks in my life.  So, I believed I wasn’t good enough.  I don’t have these problems any more.  Obviously, it takes more than weight loss and plastic surgery to undo all the damage.  I don’t know that it’s possible to fully recover from decades of self-esteem erosion.  But, am I weak for wanting to embrace the new privilege?  Am I selling out my big sisters?  I think what Haley is doing is so brave!  I wasn’t strong enough to make the statement she has.  I hope to be able to speak from both points of view.  But, will both sides listen or have I lost my credibility?

http://haley-morriscafiero.squarespace.com/wait-watchers

What is beauty anyway?

I have always been an avid people watcher.  But, lately I noticed myself observing people who resemble the way I used to look, in other words, the larger of those among us.  I am fascinated watching from the outside for a change.  I remember that familiar tug on the hem of my top trying desperately to cover every bit of myself.   I all too often remember looking out the window of the bus so as not to meet the gaze of the person opposite me, looking at me in disgust.  “How did she let herself get like that? “ I would imagine them thinking.  I all too well recall the deep breath to bring my clavicles together, followed by forcing my arms together to try to physically make myself smaller in order to take up less space.

I think what people who have never been obese would struggle to understand is how absolutely trapped in your own body you feel.  I spent my whole life trying to make myself smaller, whether through diet or through metaphor.   When it finally happened it was in many ways like being released from prison, albeit a prison of my own making.  I embraced the whole concept of “curves”.  But, seriously I think the concept has been twisted a bit to make women in particular feel better about themselves.  I totally get it although oddly my body image has become so distorted I don’t think I know what is beautiful anymore.  It is definitely something more internal.   It is so hard, food has so much power.  I had hoped once I lost weight I would be able to conquer it.  But, like all addictions, a bit of surgery does not solve the problem.  It is a struggle, one day at a time.

Weight is such a funny thing.  I still struggle with food, a lot.  I am so careful because I feel like this thin privilege is such a big gift.  With all the plastic surgery I have had I feel a bit like my body is not completely mine.  I suppose because it was all filmed as well, I feel like a steward and it is my obligation to look after the gift I have been given. I struggle, but will persevere, I hope…