My name is Melissa and I am a food addict. I know I have written about this time and time again. But, I have come to the realisation that I have lost control. I had my weight loss surgery in 2012. Following a serious war on fat I raised the flag of victory 18 months later. I had conquered the demon, never would I allow food to rule my life again. For the first time in my life I felt like I was in control. It was a great feeling! But, in the last couple of months something has changed. I had a really horrible start to the year. At one point I thought I was going to lose my house, it seemed as if everything I was falling apart including my mental health. In the chaos of all that was happening around me an old friend showed up to try and cheer me up. In all his glorious calorific loveliness. He let me cry on his shoulder and held my hand when I felt alone. I should have known better. But, I thought I was better now, stronger and could handle him being in my life again. I was so wrong! What I didn’t realise was that even after all this time I wouldn’t know when to stop and say no. The aftermath of my lapse in judgement was shocking. I had gained 15 pounds in three weeks.
In my previous body a stone or even two or three was meaningless and honestly hardly noticeable, now in this smaller frame all I see is bulging fat. That damned F word! I avoided its use for decades as for some reason being overweight or the extremely overused “curvy” seemed to feel gentler on my delicate psyche. But, it was a lie. There was no curve, just lumpy, bumpy horrible, jiggly fat. Curves, more cushion for the pushin and various other colloquialisms only serve to push us deeper into denial. Personally, having hid behind the big and proud agenda for years I don’t believe there is anything empowering about giving up on yourself and accepting a bloated time bomb of a body in an attempt to normalise obesity. This doesn’t mean that as a woman I have to conform to societies so called ideal body shape. But, is more about putting the onus on me to set a good example to my daughter. The last thing I would want for her is to spend 20 plus years trapped under 350 pounds of flab. In the years that my addiction to food had its strongest hold I could rationalise my obesity. When I discovered I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome it was as if I had found the Holy Grail. This was my license to hang all responsibility on a mysteries “syndrome”. Therefore, from that day forward it wasn’t my fault any more. It wasn’t the three big macs I loved so much killing me, I had a disease, a ticket to allow my addiction to take complete control of me. Something happened one day, it wasn’t good enough any more. All of a sudden it hit me that rather then empowerment, I had rendered myself completely dis-empowered. The fact is love it or hate it the world is not a nice place to be in when you are fat. I had to work twice as hard to gain the respect of colleagues. I had to prove myself everyday to those that looked at me and automatically thought I was the laziest person on the planet. As much as I ate, I was certainly not lazy. In fact from a health point of view I was one of those lucky fatties that never had the stereotypical obesity related ailments. This made hiding behind the bbw flag much easier as I could declare myself fat and hit! But, underneath I was eating myself to death. I suppose it’s a bit like the functional junky. They can rationalise how much smack they do because they still get up every morning and go to work. It is only a matter of time before the addiction catches you off guard. But, I digress, this is about me now. I suppose there is a certain amount of victory in realising I am slipping before going completely off the rails and having a full regain. I really can’t imagine what that would do to the psyche. I know many people that it’s happened to. Is there anything worse than being fat? it is something that you have a certain degree of control over. So, no there isn’t anything worse than being fat for me. It isn’t like getting cancer or hit by a bus. Those are things outside of your control. Having experienced what it’s like to be thin the idea of being fat again is the stuff of nightmares.
I was and am completely responsible for my lack of self control. I am human unfortunately and as such I have my own set of demons to deal with. It is so hard! I find myself upset and ravenously tearing apart the kitchen looking for anything that will sooth my troubled mind. The high is instant, exhilarating with each orgasmic bite, but then there is the come down. The self hatred and guilt that lasts so much longer than the climax. Food is a tough one you can’t completely eliminate it from your life. But, what I need to learn to control is how I handle myself around it.
I need to constantly remind myself that food is not my friend and as much as I desperately want a pizza to cry into some times I just don’t have it in me to “just be friends”. Maybe one day we can get together and reminisce about all my 3 am binges. But, for now I need a game plan. It is all about going back to basics. Complete portion and calorie control. I have been incredibly lucky that my blog allows me access to some amazing people and products. With that I will be putting everything I have into getting my head back in the game. Food may have one a tiny battle in the last few weeks, but has definitely not won the war.